What we plan for ourselves, isn’t always what life has planned for us

This past November I applied and got a place on a teaching course at Birmingham University. It was for one year and the majority of that would be spent in Schools teaching RE (A subject I don’t have a degree in). It was my last chance that year to fulfil my dream of becoming a teacher. You may be surprised to find out then, yesterday I decided I just couldn’t go.

There were mounting numbers of reasons for my decision:
1) It was in a different country as to where I am living now, too far to pop home if I needed support.
2) I would be leaving my fiance behind (even though we made it through his year away on a navy base and myself in university once, now we were engaged and planning our life together, it felt different this time)
3) I would be teaching a subject I have no detailed knowledge of
4) I didn’t like the city.
5) I have been in education now for  18 years and just want a break.
6)The closer it got to going the more I realised I simply didn’t want to go. I wasn’t sleeping, my anxiety levels went through the roof every time the city was even mentioned on the news! And there would be a constant knot in my stomach whenever I thought about going, making me feel sick.
7) I want to work, after 21 years and never having a job, I still feel like a child! How am I supposed to teach children when I still feel like one myself.
8) Once I move there, I might never move back. If I’m offered a job in Birmingham I don’t know if I would turn it down and I don’t want to be there now never mind in five years.

I could continue to give you reasons as to why I decided not to jump into this next stage of my life but my main reason is harder to explain.

It just didn’t feel right.

Now I know that’s a really rubbish excuse. It was only a  9 month course surely I would just go, get my training over with and then move back home. But it wasn’t that simple. Not really. And I couldn’t put myself through the emotional damage It would cause me by doing something I just didn’t want to do.

I understand life is tough, so why make it even worse for myself. It shouldn’t be this hard or feel this bad.

So for the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. And in some ways that’s really scary. I don’t know where my life will take me from here. But I’m hoping it’ll feel better than my last decision felt.

Guess I best scrub up my CV, I have a new degree to add to it after all!
Maybe I’ll start with Teaching Assistant or Youth Worker or even a Cover Teacher?!

Right now I don’t know, but I’ll find something. Apply again this October for courses closer to home and continue on the ride.

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that’s ‘Miss BA Samantha .C. Gwilliam’ to you 😉

-S

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